My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Text me some of your sweat
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
