I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
