Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
