My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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