Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
