I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
