There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
