just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
