my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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