after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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