I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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