The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
