Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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