Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
