Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
where am i from again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
