Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
