She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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