I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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