Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
