Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
