Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
