You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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