Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And then he peed in my hair
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