My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
