Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
