If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
