Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
