do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
