I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have already put on my inside pants.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
