i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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