God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
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at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
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One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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