Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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