I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
