On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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