thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
