Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
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I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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