I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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