I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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