She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
