i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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