My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
