Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
