How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
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The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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