love makes seman taste better
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
