Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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