the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
