I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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