I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
