You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
