theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
