I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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