and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
