she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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