All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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