I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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