I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
