I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
bring money and cleavage
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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