The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
