i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
