Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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